The Smell of my Childhood

I'm very very sensitive to smells. I can say I have an olfactive memory and it works very good. Smells carry me to bad or good times, to people or places that I miss much, to a lover that left his mark, to a food I ate and I can't forget and so on...

I remember when I was a kid in Brasil coming back home from school...the smell of every single house making lunch at almost the same time just embraced the air. It was wonderful!! I ran fast to not be late! The ritual we followed was the same to each kid in town...change the uniform, wash hands and get together around the table with our families!
Thank God in my hometown things work still like this! I was there less than 1 month ago and I could feel this smell again and tears came easily, easily...

I was very afraid to go to my hometown, the place where I was born and where I lived until 18 years old. The place where my father passed away and is buried. The place where my family was formed. I was very afraid because my middle brother moved to the house we were raised, the house where my father was veiled all night long. The house I left all by myself to move to the bigger town to get a better education!
I was so afraid that I thought I would not be able to enter inside it! Before I went to Brasil I alerted my family, especially my sister-in-law, that I could get stuck but that I would work it out without any that I need a lot of help!!

My family were so worried about my reactions! They know how I'm relate to my memories and how it is important to me!

I was afraid of one thing: the smell! The smell of my childhood, the smell of my teenager years, the smell of my own life, the smell of my pain, the pain of losing my father.
My father built that house with his own hands, brick after brick. In a way he is buried there as well because everything reminds of him and besides, since he passed away, 27 years ago, I didn't put my feet on that house even though it's place side by side to the house my brother was living at with his family.

I got in Brasil and I faced my fear. My heart was almost disappearing in my anxiety, in my nervousness, in my anguish!! My hands were sweating and I was in silence which is kind of rare... we left the car and I started walking to the house, convinced that I would not be able to step in!

My sister-in-law, who is a wonderful woman and I love her very much, was afraid as well and kept watching my moves carefully. My brother had suffered an accident and broke his coccyx and I drove them there. I had no other alternative!
So, she opened the door and I felt so very happy and alleviated!! A huge relief invaded my body freeing me to go on!

The smell...the house didn't have the smell of my childhood, of my memories. I felt it very clear and my impression was as I was walking there for the first time in my life! I couldn't be happier!

Looking carefully in my heart I wanted to feel it again!! I would like to feel the smell I keep in my heart for so long, but at the same time I didn't want to disappoint my sister-in-law and drive back to my mom's house crying my eyes out.

I was so thankful that the smell was gone and I could walk into that house that holds my heart and my love!!