May, 21st

For 27 years I have suffering for the death of my father and I don’t get used to that. I just can’t! He was my best friend and he accepted me the way I was what really meant a lot to me. We had a very good and clean communication, we didn’t hide feeling or things from each other, but I know he wasn’t just my best friend, he was mainly my father and I always respected him as my father and not just as a friend.

He passed away in a motorcycle accident on May 21st of 1980. Since this fatidic day I have watched a movie with 3 days of duration every single 20th, 21st and 22nd of May. It seems that my mind knows exactly the time to press play and the movie begins, making my life without my father even more miserable. I use to try to distraction myself from those scenes I have still very fresh in my memories, but I know each detail of those 3 days of my life and I can’t get away from them. I even don’t know if I really want to get away from it…

I was the only one in my class who had both paternal and maternal grandparents. I used to be very proud and privileged for having them with me while my classmates couldn’t share this blessing. My classmates envied me for the relationship I had with my father and they didn’t hide it at all. I was in high school and I had changed school that year. I always attended public school but my mother insisted that I needed to go to a private one and the one she chose was a nun’ school what was very reputable in our town. Well, it is until now and my nephew who never student in public school unfortunately is attending that same one now.

Anyway…I had no friends there and I felt very alone. Alone but even there people knew my father was the coolest one and some of the student used to call me not by my name, but by Nilo’s daughter what I really loved! I had one great friend there who was son of our family’s doctor and who shared my father’s name. Nilo, the friend, had a Brad Pitt smile, sparkling eyes, a very sharp sense of humor and we got along very well.

One of my memories is about my family forgetting me at my father’s funeral cortege! I got myself sat on the sidewalk with Nilo who was very upset because he had bought some candies and chocolate on May 19th and asking the owner to of the shop to charge my father’s expense account! Poor Nilo, he was really upset about it! Well, Nilo committed suicide 2 years ago and it hurts deeply now and always will!
It’s impossible for me to disassociate this sad story to my fate this fatality!

As I said I remember every single detail, but some scenes are stronger that others. One thing I can’t forget is about my huge will for singing one song called “Bandolins” (Mandolin). I remember how guilty I felt for not be able to stop sing this song.
I really remember everything, even what I was wearing, what I ate, who came to visit us, who went home…the feelings, the facts, the smells, the noise, the silence…

I know for sure that I’ll never get out of this pain…the pain of not having my father around.

On May 21st of 1980, I found out that every thing in this earth is ephemera and uncertain. I found out that nothing is more important than having my beloveds ones with me! I found out that it takes less than 1 second to put life upside down!

I miss my father every single day. I wish I could talk to him as I “always” did; I wish I could be in his lap saying what is in my heart, in my dreams…
What I miss the most and what is the most painful and beautiful memory I have is about him explaining to me about the choices I had! He used to show me the both sides of almost everything saying…now you know your choices. You will decide what to do and don’t forget that you will be responsible for the choice you make. If what you choose doesn’t work out in the way you think so, I’ll be here with my arms opened waiting for you!

Oh God I miss him and all what he means to me!! I miss the feeling and the security of having a place to go after the choice I made doesn’t work out! My father was my guiding light in security and without him I fell lost in a dark! I really do! I felt lost not in a dependable way because being independent was the most valuable lesion I learned from him, but in secure way. It’s always wonderful to know for sure you can go back!

I know I need to work the death of my father out and get over it, but it’s much stronger than I am! A line was cut in a terrible moment and it wasn’t fair! Who am I to doubt or defy God, but daughters couldn’t lose their fathers in their teenager years. It isn’t fair!

For 26 years I have feeling really miserable in this time of the year, but this year it was different because I had the opportunity to talk about this pain I carry in my heart for so long, with someone who really listened to me! Talking and knowing that someone was really listening to me could appease my pain very much!
I’ll never thank you enough for being so wonderful, so present, so carrying, so kind and so attentive with me!!
Thank you Lindo, Thank you very much!