Weak or strong?

"If I can..." by Me

I really don’t know if I’m the weakest human being on earth or the strongest one. I think there is a very thin line that separates those two “state of mind” and it’s so hard to define specifically where is the beginning of one and the end of the other one in this specific point of my life.
I really don’t know how I can hold too much frustration, too much deception, too much banzo, too much nostalgia, too much tedious, too much pain, too much sadness, too much solitude, too much melancholy, too much isolation, too much dissatisfaction! Why can't I handle such situation? Because I’m weak or because I’m strong? Why I can’t take any step to blow everything up? I have done this sometimes before without losing my dignity, and all the suffering was compensated after all!

I know that I have this weird characteristic of suffering or waiting for years until I get some attitude towards a similar situation as I’m in right now. I think is because since my father passed away I know for sure that I don’t have any place to go! Well, I do have a lot of friends and relatives that I can really count on, but it isn’t fair to bother them, to take them from their lives to pay attention to me, to my anguish! They have a life to live and I can't disturb their peace!

For example, I took Law School for 4 years and I quitted it in the last year, without looking back. In the same month, I got accepted in Art School and I started all over again. 4 years planning to get out of this forensic world, trying to catch all the possible and impossible points that could be wrong with this rupture. One day I did, I just did. Now I look back and I just can’t see this brave woman anymore. Days and nights are passing by my nose and I can’t notice them… I think I die already, but somebody forgot to advise me that.

I know I love life, I know I can change this condition, I know I can be a person again, I know that… At least I know that in a theoretical and hypothetical way! If I know that, why I’m here right now, crying and feeling so miserable?? Why I’m feeling my both feet cemented making impossible to me to fly?

I look around and I see my books, my CDs, my brushes, my paints, my magazines and many pictures of my beloved friend and family… I’m getting so ill that I’m able of spending weeks without opening a book or a magazine… but I just notice that when I notice that is already another month calling me in my empty agenda… And about painting or drawing? Wow, I have forgot how long I don’t express myself using a white canvas.It’s normal getting some blues, but not a constant one. I’m not a sad person at all, but I can’t help myself anymore! I don’t know how to explain that, but I feel as if strong force has got me already, impeding me to move forward!

I’m starting feeling like those peevish and fretful old aunts that live immerse in a huge loneliness and that complain about everything. The only difference between us is that I don’t use to complain to my friends, just to this blog. My friends think that I’m living in completely harmony with the universe as I always did!

There is one very important thing that has helped me getting up of the bed every day that is the knowledge of knowing that somebody is always with me!
After all, I really don’t know if I’m weak or strong!