Climbing to the moon

Georgia OKeeffe Ladder to the Moon 1958

I’m in a process of re-find myself as I said before! It is hard because sometimes I think that I lost or I left many things that are important to behind.

My past is so present in my mind, in my heart in my skin and I think that I don’t want to get over it. Why get over? I don't have anything else to embrace me? The present looks so gray, as the Suisse sky. And my future… well, I don’t think I have one!

At the end of last year, I was the happiest woman alive. I was accepted as PhD student here in Switzerland. Wow, I will have my own life again, I will work harder then ever to do a very good job, and so on… those were my thoughts back then.
Well, until now I don’t know what happened. I “talked” by e-mail with my ex/future adviser twice and then he disappeared. That’s true! I went to his office 3 times and I stayed there, by his office’s door for hours, and hours. Nobody was there. Once I talked to one of his students and I left a message. Never replied.

One year, one whole year passed. And I’m here Waiting for Godot!
And the worst! I was accepted in Barcelona as well, and I gave up!
I had two options, now I don’t have any! Good hum!?
I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to think anymore! I wanted that PhD so badly. It is, better, it was my life, my expectations for a bright future, my chance to show what I learned all these years of hard study. I got nothing now, nothing…

Do you know when you need to fill up some form? Oh! I hate that! It is so cruel, and it wants to know everything in its time and in the fastest way possible. And then it is there, one question urging for your answer: Profession!
I got a BA in Art History and Museum Studies, and I had worked with that long time ago. When? Last century! I said long time ago! Can I still write that donw as my profession?

Other question even worst is when you meet some friends or colleagues that you haven’t seen for long time and then it goes. "What are you doing?"
No, I’m not doing anything! I got dumped, discharged, discarded by a professor that I never had the chance to meet in my life!

How can I glue my life together again? How? It is hopeless!
Why every single thing in my life needs to be so complicated, so frustrating?
There is no easy way for me!
I feel climbing to the moon, using my father’s ladder...

Take care!